I feel challenged to express myself with clarity whenever I write on this thing, because I want so badly for people to understand exactly what I'm saying and what I'm feeling. Sometimes its difficult because I don't like to admit that I get lost, sidetracked, off-topic. Sometimes I think too much about how I ramble, how annoying I am, about how no one can relate to the things that I am saying. I get anxious over whether what compelled me to write in the first place is even that important.
Sometimes I get so lost in presentation and construction that I forget why I write. I get nervous when I present my words to other people. I focus so much on just getting through the words that I lose the wonderful event that inspired me in the first place. I am notoriously insecure over my words.
My friend Chris pokes fun and likes to call it my "prefaces" where I clarify and explain for 15 minutes before I even get out what I'm trying to say. Much like what I'm doing now...haha.
Anyway, over the last two weeks, I'll admit that I've been insecure not only about my words, but about where I'm at with God as well. I started writing this series about the importance of God being our home, but He hasn't been my home for a while now. I haven't felt inspired to pray, I haven't opened my Bible outside of being at church, I have even questioned the sincerity of my faith, whether it still held the same meaning for me as it used to just a year ago. And it all seemed hypocritical, that I could understand this notion of God being my home, that I would attempt to explain it without really making the effort to take the journey myself. I want to take this journey, because I want to grow deeper in my faith, to take the initiative with my faith and go home to where I propose God is waiting for me. I'm tired of doing nothing with my faith. I'm tired of waiting for others to pick me up, waiting on things to happen, and most of all, I'm tired of waiting on God to do great things in my life. If I want change I have to at least make the effort to seek Him. (Luke 11: 9-10 anyone?)
So for this next section, I invite you to take the journey with me. Maybe you are already at peace with God, and you are already aware that God is your home. Or maybe you have never known Him, are at war with Him, you feel lost, you have no idea where he is or if he even exists. Well, I make no promises, but I invite you to join me as I look a the things that brought me the joy that made me energetic and passionate about God in the first place. I invite you to join me as I work on growing in my faith and my love and as I try to find my home, where I propose God is waiting for me. I invite you to own your journey as well, wherever it takes you. Even If you have no interest in finding God, at least own the journey that you are on, find what makes you passionate and as I'm learning the hard way...TAKE THE INITIATIVE.
And as I mentioned to a friend yesterday, sometimes I say things that I don't back up. Sometimes I talk a big game, I talk about change and I don't do it. But I can't afford to do nothing. With this faith journey, I know there is more life that I have yet to live.
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